How to have the best relationships you’ve ever had

Further Cultivating

How to further cultivate relationships to create and maintain a strong bond.

• Appreciate the idiosyncrasies of each person
• See the good in them and choose to ONLY see the good in them
• No need for judgements, or projections of your own troubles/insecurities
• Allow space – physical, mental, emotional
• Have a separate hobby that the other person isn’t a part of – solo activity that you enjoy on your own ex guitar, knitting
• Encourage other person to be the best they can be
• Be supportive
• Have understanding and compassion
• Honesty
• Trust
• Forgiveness
• Take responsibility for your own life, actions, decisions
• Don’t dump your problems onto each other, hoping that will get rid of them for you
• Try to have uplifting conversations – help other get out of the “dumps”
• Talk about situations not people
• Don’t criticize each other
• Don’t project own problems, likes or values onto the other
• Understand yourself and your values (as much as possible)
• Cooperate and assist when necessary
• Do not place blame
• UNconditional love
• Love they neighbour
• Encourage freedom and growth
• Do not hold anything over each other
• Release expectation for the other’s outcomes
• Respect each other
• Patience, kindness, understanding
• Making time for each other to stay connected
• Face to face discussions when having troubles
• Listening to each other
• Open, active and consistent communication
• Become a team
• We are all with someone for very different reasons: security, comfort, sense of humour, great body, and even reasons like greed, status, money.
• Mutual Respect
• Work through difficulties together
• Be mindful of the other – consider their needs

Expressions of Love

Everything takes love – especially relationships. You honestly cannot expect a relationship to grow itself.

You are probably thinking, yeah but what about those friendships where you haven’t seen each other for years and you somehow pick up where you left off.

Those are beautiful and I suggest you hang onto those people for as long as you see fit. Even though it may seem as though there isn’t any cultivating, there actually is. These relationships are staying strong because you and your friend are constantly sending positivity, love, acceptance and vibrations of allowing the other person to grow and transform as they want. There aren’t any barriers on the friendship and you both just allow the other person to be exactly who they are. There are no expectations of needing to be something for the other and therefore no one is stuck in a box or previous image of what they are “supposed” to be.

These relationships are still being loved, cultivated and encouraged from afar. It’s like taking the plant out of the house and encouraging its growth outside – allowing it to be free to grow as much as possible without a need for it to be owned for your own pleasure. This is a form of ultimate freedom for each person.

The very BEST type of relationship. Freedom to grow and transform with zero expectation other than their own happiness.

Express love and appreciation to the ones you love and appreciate.

• Do they know that you love them?
• Are you assuming that they know?
• We all have different love languages and we all give and receive love in different ways.
• Do you know your love language? Maybe you like to receive loving words of affection like hearing “I love you, you look beautiful, you did a great job” but you like to give gifts as a sign of your love and affection. Your love language can be completely different from what your mother, father, spouse of best friend likes to give and receive.

Love Languages

I believe that if we all give according to our love language then Christmas would have a beautiful presence around it instead of the negative stigma that it currently has. Christmas to me always felt stressful – actually all of December seemed to have become a stressful time of year for me because of the pressures of HAVING to buy gifts for people. It was usually a race in the mall to find something that each person would probably enjoy, but who knows. I didn’t enjoy the process at all, I just felt I was doing it out of obligation. It did not feel like what Christmas I believed should feel like (love, warmth and celebration). This past year I mailed out cards to all of my family members (no one gets cards in the mail, especially from the younger generation it seems). The individual cards expressed how much that person meant to me and how much I love them. All of these messages were purely personal and gifts straight from my heart. The response from each person/family who received these cards was overwhelming for them and for me. Because they weren’t used to this vulnerability that I was showing, it allowed them to open up to an intense vulnerability that maybe they had never felt toward me. Many of them had told me that they small act of kindness and love brought them to tears of love. They then responded by letting me know how much they also love and appreciate me with their own words of affirmation.

This act of kindness and giving opened up my heart and others’ hearts so wide, and ultimately allowed me to have the most memorable Christmas that I have ever had, because I did what was best for me and gave in my own love language.

Focus on Thriving

Focus on thriving in your relationships – partner, children, work peers, boss, strangers, cashiers. This giving and receiving of beautiful communication will help you flourish as an effective communicator, and also release serotonin because positive interactions will take place. And if there is a time when someone snaps at you or doesn’t give the response you were hoping for, that’s 100% ok. You can be exactly who and how you want to be and it’s common courtesy that you do that for them as well. You don’t know their past, future or present situation that they could be dealing with. Remember that we are all dealing with something whether big or small, it’s sometimes all consuming. Because we must work to bring home money to survive, we can’t just call in sick every time we have an emotional upset, therefore the probability that 80% of the population of human beings is dealing with something right now. They won’t tell you their troubles because they are allowed to keep that to themselves. If we considered walking smile in someone else’s shoes, maybe we would have more understanding, sympathy and empathy with others. This is a very humbling experience.

Being Mindful

Before you do something like an activity or even suggest your partner or friend do the same, always ask and be mindful of what they think about that – otherwise forcing someone to do something when you know they don’t really want to, can lead to more difficulties. This is where pure honesty is important so that everyone knows they are on the same page.

Be involved in the other person’s interests – stay positive about it

• Be mindful of bringing someone into a situation – if they don’t like the activity, then they won’t be interested in it. Respect that the other person may not appreciate or want to do what the other person wants you to do (this is where your personal values, interests and likes come in – therefore knowing yourself as much as possible is very important).

Presence

Go with the flow with each other as much as possible

Be open and genuine. Allow them in.

Trust the other person

Communication

Have great communication.

Recap week 10 triggers.

Ask yourself some questions for next time (it will happen again and again until you are able to be neutral to the situation.)

• How could I be heard better?
• Should we talk at a different time when we are both calm and open?
• Schedule a day and time to talk about it and prepare yourself for the conversation.
• How was I involved in the conversation, was I trying to get an outcome or was I just speaking to learn more and communicate?
• Did I feel threatened or attacked and how could I be less threatening next time?
• What was my body language when we were speaking? Could I uncross my arms and unfurrow my brow next time?
• Could I stop what I was doing and give this person my full attention?
• Did I cut that person off? Was I respectful during the conversation?
• Did I jump to conclusions before the other person was finished speaking?

Effective communication is when two people are given the respect and freedom to speak and be heard.

*Remember your Beyond Balance 5 Step Process to Reducing Reactivity